One week ago, I get a call from a TV producer Mel Robbins, motivational speaker of the Mel Robbins show. This producer was following up on my email request to be on the show. I had to ask twice, “Are you sure this isn’t some kind of spam? I mean, you realize millions of people want to be on this show. You know that, right?”

Back in April 2019 when I submitted that request, I was still looking for employment as a PR specialist and SEO content writer, still in conversations with decision-makers and hiring managers, but feeling stuck. Mel Robbins gave me the courage and confidence to tackle some of the biggest fears of my life as a freelancer and writing coach, but now, I felt the island was even more remote than ever.

Scenes of the last eight months piled up like oily covered snow spelling out anxiety, fear. Freelancing through unemployment – one huge human experiment.

After 45 minutes of Q & A around how unemployment has affected my marriage, self-esteem, my relationships, this producer asked the biggest question of all trying to get to the “gold. “And what makes this journey so scary?”

“Because I just don’t know when it will end. It can go on…for a while. I just don’t know.”

Mel Robbins once commented in a Facebook thread, that finding a job is a numbers game. The right door will open. You just have to keep pushing down doors. In our Power of You course, Mel spoke of the courage it takes to stay connected to our brains and our guts. Brain research and science around their inner wisdom is fascinating. How interconnected are these organs, so telling are our primary instincts and yet, we ignore their inner wisdom. For safety. To do the “right” thing. Maybe because we want to protect ourselves from further failure, heartache, rejection.

Rejection.

I have been rejected over 200+ times and each time, (well almost every time) I have to pick up the IDF warrior in me and move forward. I am a fighter, but I thought that by now, December 2019, I’d be gainfully employed. I didn’t realize this job search would be THIS hard. On our call, I address hope, the difficulty in discussing hope with my husband, finding a space between the very dark and depressing truths, disappointments and false hopes. The work as a job seeker is to stay the course of hope and still stay accountable and productive. Hitting all three almost feels counterintuitive to the job-seeking brain.

I remember Mel in the lowest points of her life when she lay in bed and didn’t want to get up. She’d hit the snooze button and count until she stopped counting and thus her story and the life-changing, mind-boggling, five-second rule conceptual idea then the book was born. This easy to implement system would change my life too until I saw that everything I had fought so very hard for – stability – no longer was making sense. I overstepped my own internal boundaries. I would stay in bed for longer than five seconds. The writing pads and journals were so out of reach. I felt unaccountable. After all, what was the point?

In-between snippets of that call last Friday however, I could feel myself getting lighter. This call was an invitation to purge. Let it all out. I had a chance to “talk therapy” with a TV producer of the Mel Robbins. Hey, why the heck not?

 

Over last Shabbat, I agonized over that call. How could my story make a difference for others? Am I that extroverted as a writer to share intimate details of a job seeker’s life on national TV? Then the tangibles: would they really fly us to New York City? Through the midst of it all, I could sense from the chaos, the need for a deeper connection beyond the need to control outcomes, control uncertainty.

 

There we are: my husband – a quiet staunch supporter and I sitting over tea and coffee. The baker of Iraqi sesame date cookies and kaak, a salty bagel like pastry. No, you’ll be okay. You’ll find a job and you’ll get happy customers if you continue to freelance. I saw all the days I had neglected nurturing my relationship because I was so self-absorbed in staying accountable so I wouldn’t get lost in my head.

 

Over a cooking pot, while holding a cell phone, I could feel the adrenalin speed as I shared all the intimate details including how much I was making as a freelancer. What I didn’t tell her was how I started breathing in cinnamon and cardamon to stay grounded and less anxious. How I would walk through Schenley Park to remind myself that life wasn’t so bad and that I still had a family I adored and who loved me.

Courage, Mel suggested comes from getting clarity – not just in the number of sent applications and networking meetings I have set up. Clarity comes from soul searching and deep prioritizing. How much suffering will it take to give me that permission to find myself? Sometimes it’s in the form of the little things: “saying how you really feel, admitting that you’re wrong, asking for help, sticking to a pan, staying positive, finding time for yoursef…these things can often feel impossible.” If anything I’ve learned that becoming my own best advocate takes courage. And how many times, I’ve bolstered myself with “steely” like writing habits: Morning Pages, journal writing, editing, pitching, writing.

 

Fast forward… Last Monday, I anxiously wonder if my story of courage and everything I have taken with me on this journey might speak to a broader TV audience and so, on a Monday afternoon, after waiting and waiting to hear back from the TV producer, I text her and she kindly lets me know that she has 1) already chatting with my husband and 2) they are tabling the topic for now, but she’ll keep us in mind.

 

How typical is her response to my job-seeking brain.

But beautiful of an experience it was to know that over a 45-minute conversation, I didn’t lose hope and courage.

Onwards.